Detritus Ex Austiniax

Or is it Ex Austiniam? I don't really know. Despite the many Roman numerals in my name, I'm not completely brushed up on the proper use of the Latin ablative declension.

So anyway, your old friend Mike F.M. Pemulis IV tried to whittle down a list of ten top Austin bars...and I came up with over 25 worth mentioning. And that excludes restaraunts, places like Kenichi, Malaga, Hula Hut, Maiko, Uchi and others that have entrenched themselves into Pemulan lore. Also excludes Stubbs, Alamo Drafthouse, Zona Rosa, Antone's, Zilker Park and other such venues. Good god Austin was a cool town.

Per the post title's suggestion, we're clearing through the detritus now--those marginal fifteen bars that, through one fatal flaw or another, were excluded from the top ten list.

So what do these schwug bars have in common? Large "second wave" populations, difficulty in getting a God damn drink sometime tonight, poor navigability and lappability, poor lighting/music gratuitously loud, general grunginess (especially the prevalence of non-partitioned bathrooms), and, perhaps most importantly, low BA/OBP/Slg numbers for MFMP IV. Unlike the top ten, these won't be in order:

11) 219 West--Alright, this one's number eleven, but I'm not ranking any others in this post. I really wanted 219 to crack the top ten, but, ultimately, it's a happy hour place-a pregame stop at best. And if you can't get a table by the bar, you're pretty much squeezed against or leaning over other people. The location is great for pregaming though, as it's within a short walk of three of the top ten bars which will be named later. Also, I hit a HR off of Greaseball's girlfriend's sister after a few drinks there, which was a nice capstone case if you will.

Qua--we all know about the baby sharks swimming under the dance floor. Otherwise it's just kind of an awkward place. Lighting is poor and conversation is impossible because of the blaring haus.

Logan's--I like Logan's; really I do. I even like the novelty of their interrupting the music and showing funny movie clips on the flat screens that are all over the place. But the lighting is just way too dark. Fives become sevens and sevens become nines. You might have some regrets later, man, like triples or more off of Single A talent. Weird men's room too (no place to set your beer; it's like they designed it so you can't set one down, even for a second).

Star Bar--it's kind of the inverse of 219 West in that it's a place you go to close 'er out, but you're not picking anyone up there. Coffee is for closers and so is Star Bar, but these kind of specialist places aren't going to make the top ten. Best martinis in town. You'll see the SAE Class of '98 type here.

Spill--I have a friend who likes this bar so much that his callsign on this blog is actually Spill. But I have to disagree--Spill (the bar) is deeply flawed. The crowd is definition Second Wave, they do not stock Johnnie Walker Black, and the place always smells like vomit. Also there's a line, which is borderline insulting.

Molotov's--this place is pretty bleh; I never got why so many people like it. It's got a decent deck on the 2nd floor. I actually have a decent OBP here too. If I were ranking these, it'd be probably 18 or so, but that is more a testament to Austin's superlativity than Molotov's mediocrity.

Betsy's--why is this place connected to Hi/Lo? They have nothing in common as bars. Anyway, Betsy's has a TV connected to an Atari in the back room which has comfortable couches. One time I was there with then-consort Reebok and her friend TexMex. TexMex was unbelievable at Centipede and Pong and she was born in 1986. It really floored me.

(I have two "assists" relating to TexMex, by the way. I feel like Esquire and Powerpoint* really owe me more "dap" for those assists. They were more like alleyoops)

Shakespeare's--Pass.

Lavaca St Bar--great location, easy to get a drink, very friendly staff, shuffleboard if you're bored. Sometimes even some decent talent. Just doesn't feel top ten though does it?

311--You really can't say enough bad things about this bar can you? It's thin and long and the bar sticks way out, meaning navigability is zero. Service is abysmally slow because they have these manual cash registers from the '30s--you pretty much have to order two or three drinks at a time. When you do get your drinks, you're always holding them way high up in the air so as not to spill them on the drunk people bumping into you. The bathrooms are the worst in Austin, having no partitions, no mirrors, no tiles on the floor, no functioning sinks. The band is always that same one headlined by the owner of the bar.

But they've got that dance floor, and, for some reason, you'll find probably the best college age talent in Austin there after 1am Friday and Saturday. I can't stand the bar, but I'm always delighted when someone suggests we go.

Blind Pig--I'm 0 for two years at this place. You could even argue that I'm sporting a negative batting average there, since I had to pull the ripcord on Azteca after running into TexMex, in full on spy mode, at an inoportune time. Yip-life handed me lemons, and I said "fuck those lemons" and bailed.

On the surface, it's a lot like Maggie Mae's (which will make the top ten), but it seems to be cursed; it's Austin's incarnation of Warehouse Live**

Peckerhead's--I apparently had an 'incident' at Peckerhead's once that my memory does not serve me well on. From what I hear, I had a pretty good time though, even if I almost lost a girlfriend in the process.

Pangaea--everyone here is a ten because their annual lighting expenses are something like three bucks, fifty. Having said that, it's a pretty cool place, if a bit out of place in Austin. It's carved out of the old 4th St Alamo Drafthouse (if I were to consider AD a "bar" it would be in the top five). Bottle service here ain't cheap, and there is always a crazy line, so you have to buy that bottle to get in. If you're a real hitter, you'll just buy the bar.

Treasure Island--Demographers say that by 2050, the white population of the United States will be a minority. If this is true, then TI is way, way ahead of its time. There is nothing wrong with this-or at least I won't admit there is something wrong with this-but this bar can be intimidating for skin types 1-3. My friend Tonian once wrote in the TBW that this was the worst bar in Austin; we agree on a lot of things, that Tonian and I, but this isn't the worst.

Pure--this is. It's a sordid attempt to copy and exploit the name brand of Las Vegas' Pure. They poured a lot of capex into making such a terrible bar, and though they get an E for effort, they get an F-plus for execution.

Chuggin Monkey--perfectly average sixth street bar. Bad navigability, but very friendly bartenders. Doesn't one of Dannibal's friends own it or something? Seems like something one of Dannibal's friends would do. I like the unpretentious name.

Oilcan Harry's--Gapeshow's favorite bar. This is not one of the three bars near 219 West that I was referencing earlier.

* You like the nickname ppt? That's what you get for becoming a consultant.
** A place in Houston at which MP has an incredibly bad record--an actual negative four for four with one set of slashed tires to boot. I won't go there anymore. They should just rename the place the Hindenburg Club.