[Editor's note: TBW colleague Tonian gave me permission to reprint his April 1, 2008 review for our periodical. This in honor of the end of the Beijing Olympic Games--in the hope that China may one day throw off the yolk of soft communist authortarianism, and in some hopeful future, bear the horse collar of minarchist anarchocapitalism]It is a hackneyed joke in the music industry that democracy will ultimately prevail in China before Guns ‘N Roses’ Chinese Democracy gets released. A decade-long feud between Axl Rose and lead guitarist Slash along with many changes in the band’s creative direction, have conspired to delay the album’s release until Fall 2008, seventeen years after the GNR hit Use Your Illusion II.* However, as with all post-industrial musical projects of great import, leaked tracks have percolated through the fiber optic ether, and a painstakingly compiled and verified copy of the final cut has been hustled and smuggled through the back hallways of the McCombs GSB itself…
And so, after several rounds of negotiated barter with Bostonian 2nd year Dan Sarles (let’s just say the words “Carlton Fisk home run ball” entered into the discussion) I managed to procure one such copy, aptly described by my regionally-handicapped friend as “wicked awesome.” That a Princeton-educated English major like Dan could not, through fog of sheer joy, overcome his primal New England urge toward misplaced adjectives in describing Democracy should have indicated to me how “wicked awesome” this album indeed was.
In the 1987 Cary Elwes vehicle The Princess Bride, Sicilian mastermind and villain Vizzini confronts virtuoso swordsman and protagonist, Westley, with his claim to genius:
And so, after several rounds of negotiated barter with Bostonian 2nd year Dan Sarles (let’s just say the words “Carlton Fisk home run ball” entered into the discussion) I managed to procure one such copy, aptly described by my regionally-handicapped friend as “wicked awesome.” That a Princeton-educated English major like Dan could not, through fog of sheer joy, overcome his primal New England urge toward misplaced adjectives in describing Democracy should have indicated to me how “wicked awesome” this album indeed was.
In the 1987 Cary Elwes vehicle The Princess Bride, Sicilian mastermind and villain Vizzini confronts virtuoso swordsman and protagonist, Westley, with his claim to genius:
Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Westley: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Westley: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons!
Guns ‘N Roses can comfortably make an analogous claim to its own superlative brilliance with its as-yet publicly released magnum opus, Chinese Democracy. Democracy can’t be fairly compared to other GNR albums or to those of its lesser peers—Ten by Pearl Jam or Nevermind by Nirvana—karaoke tyros by comparison. Instead, musical historians 100 years hence will inevitably compare Democracy to Beethoven’s Ninth, The Beatles’ Yesterday, or Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen. If ever there were a compendium to fulfill the promise of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure—that perfect music will slay the demonic triumverate of poverty, war, and pollution—it will be Democracy, or it will be nothing. When the physicists overseeing the CERN particle accelerator finally isolate the Higgs Boson, they will find its subatomic spin resonates to the discordant melody of track 2’s heavy metal cover of “Eleanor Rigby”.
Some Democracy highlights, track by track:
Guns ‘N Roses can comfortably make an analogous claim to its own superlative brilliance with its as-yet publicly released magnum opus, Chinese Democracy. Democracy can’t be fairly compared to other GNR albums or to those of its lesser peers—Ten by Pearl Jam or Nevermind by Nirvana—karaoke tyros by comparison. Instead, musical historians 100 years hence will inevitably compare Democracy to Beethoven’s Ninth, The Beatles’ Yesterday, or Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen. If ever there were a compendium to fulfill the promise of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure—that perfect music will slay the demonic triumverate of poverty, war, and pollution—it will be Democracy, or it will be nothing. When the physicists overseeing the CERN particle accelerator finally isolate the Higgs Boson, they will find its subatomic spin resonates to the discordant melody of track 2’s heavy metal cover of “Eleanor Rigby”.
Some Democracy highlights, track by track:
December Snow: A melancholy dirge reflecting on loneliness and lost love in winter, the track tops out the album at 15 minutes, 37 seconds. The only “sequel” song in the GNR library.
Eleanor Rigby: Continues in the tradition of “cover as superior to original” begun by “Live and Let Die” and “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” Rumored have caused the McCartney-Mills divorce after Mills realized that her husband had been topped.
Don’t Cry (second redux): GNR’s Pynchonian third take on its 1991 original; Dave Grohl makes a guest appearance on the drums.
Internecine Conflict: An angry refrain directed at the futility and folly of mankind’s wars-“what’s so ‘nice’ about internecine conflict anyway?”
The Return of Slash: The most vindictive track in the album, it mostly takes Use Your Illusion II’s expletive-laden “Get in the Ring” and subs in the word “Slash” for every reference to Bob Guccioni. Apparently Slash’s commitment to new band Velvet Revolver precluded a cameo, prompting this relentless musical tirade.
Sweet Child of Mine (redux): Perhaps the best song of the decade, it’s like the opposite of “Hey There, Delilah” by Plain White T’s.
Long review short: you must buy Chinese Democracy at or before its release date. Mortgage your house, liquidate your stocks, pillage the ATM—do whatever you can to acquire this album—the apotheosis of the audible. If this were a movie, it would be Citizen Kane; if this were a book, it would be Ulysses; if this were a general, it would be Rommel, Kublai Khan, Hannibal and all the other bad guy military prodigies that have so terrified the civilized people of history, all rolled into one. It’s wicked awesome.
So on that note, I’m retiring my station here at the TBW—hope you’ve enjoyed all the needlessly convoluted prose. Good night, and good luck.
*Let’s just all agree to forget 1994’s Spaghetti Incident, GNR’s Rocky V
Long review short: you must buy Chinese Democracy at or before its release date. Mortgage your house, liquidate your stocks, pillage the ATM—do whatever you can to acquire this album—the apotheosis of the audible. If this were a movie, it would be Citizen Kane; if this were a book, it would be Ulysses; if this were a general, it would be Rommel, Kublai Khan, Hannibal and all the other bad guy military prodigies that have so terrified the civilized people of history, all rolled into one. It’s wicked awesome.
So on that note, I’m retiring my station here at the TBW—hope you’ve enjoyed all the needlessly convoluted prose. Good night, and good luck.
*Let’s just all agree to forget 1994’s Spaghetti Incident, GNR’s Rocky V
